4/28/26

I made this website after sustaining enough psychic damage from the people around me that I need to scream into the void about it

4/29/26

I've been listening to a lot of experimental music lately like Macroblank because it helps calm my head. My boyfriend calls me a hipser because I really like rare music. I know how cringe it is to care about how popular the music you listen to is but I like feeling like I'm listening to something special. Not saying Macroblank is particularly underground, but the way I found their channel is the way I find most of my music on Youtube which is doing some digging. I like some Bull of Heaven songs as well, I like how they play with time. I won't force myself to listen to their music more than once, but I like discovering it and watching the song unfold in my head as I listen even if it's hard to listen to. It's helped me deal with my own mind as well, listening to myself and the ambiance of my mind even when it's challenging to me. I like patterns in song and repeating sounds. I like songs that are atmospheric in interesting ways like Morphogenesis by Distharm. To me it sounds like being inside a room with a bunch of people in gas masks. I like Dazzling Malicious by Dazzling Malicious as well. The patterns feel good to me.

If you have some music that has only a few listeners on spotify or on youtube I would love to check them out if you send them to my Guestbook

4/30/26

Many people in my life have told me I should never have kids. Exes, medical personel, and people who I'd considered friends at the time. I have never desired to have children for a lot of reasons and because I agree with them somewhat. People out there think terrible things about people with schizophrenia, and that subjecting a child to someone like me as a mother is inhumane. Like I said, I agree to some extent, but it crushes me to see that both the general consensus and the opinion of people I've trusted with my internal struggles is that I shouldn't be allowed to do what I want with my body. They count on me and my support system to fail. It hurts.

For a long time I've fantasized about giving birth to an animal. I think its because I have never been treated like a human being, or that I don't see babies as something I'm capable of producing with my body because I feel as though I don't inhabit it and it's simply my property and I put the same amount of trust in my ability to raise corn on a plot of farm land the same as a baby out of my womb which is not very much. I feel much more capable of birthing kittens or puppies than I do a human being. I don't mean it in a Millennial way of "my cat is my child" just that It feels like what would come out of me if I tried. There are other aspects like birthing kittens would be much easier, my friend who takes care of kittens often shares my weird desire said "It would be like a large blood clot" which painted a vivid image. It would be much more fulfilling to me to give life to something that wouldn't have to understand my complexities or deal with my illness as well.

I dont know.